Today i had an episode. I know what you’re thinking ‘hmmmm an episode, what exactly is she talking about?’ Let me take you back a few years ago and see if we can meet at the start of this.
When i was 15 i was diagnosed with severe depression after my cousin passed away.
It’s funny though, because i had always felt different. I knew the way i processed and felt emotions was never normally regulated and my aesthetic for that was just to fake it until you make it. So i decided that i would feel nothing, forever.
High school came around and so did alcohol and drug addiction, and i was ‘the party girl’. I was the girl you would see in the hallways during passing periods talking to everyone and laughing at just about everything, and late at night i would lie awake for hours wondering why, at such a young age, i could feel so empty.
I had abandoned myself because it was so much easier to try and please everyone else than attempting to see if i could maybe, for once, please myself.
Now again i want to reiterate that i'm telling my story to finally tell it, i'm not asking for pity or for anyone else to feel sorry for me, i've lived an amazing life and as tragic as my brain can make things, i honestly wouldn't change a thing.
Right so back to it, i wanted to take care of people so that the burden of taking care of myself could take the backseat. So there i was, trying to fix other people; thinking that it would make it easier knowing that i was a coward who couldn't even look at herself in the mirror, because the truth is i didn't even know that girl. But that's the thing about toxicity, it's almost like an addiction, as bad as she was for me, i still miss her, i still wonder what she would be doing right now if i hadn't buried her so far in the ground.
So fast forward through the heart breaks, and all of the people i hurt while i was hurting, realizing that regardless of my social habits i was actually an introvert, realizing that although i can be the life of the party, i suffer from crippling depression/anxiety, as positive as i come off, i'm this huge cynic in the body of an optimist, i had an episode.
Depression is so much more than feeling sad, it’s confusion, its hopelessness, it's numbing, it's lying awake all night wondering if you’re good enough, it's making plans with your friends than having to cancel because you can’t get out of bed, it's living your life and thinking that somehow it’s still not what you ‘should or could’ have been doing, its not answering phone calls because you can't find it within yourself to talk to anyone, it's secluding yourself because you don't want to ruin other people’s energy with your sadness, it's ‘what if’s and regrets, and headaches and jaw aches and disappointment, it's feeling like a failure when everyone around you tells you you’re doing great, it’s torture….
Do me a favor, go back to the feelings you felt reading all of these emotions, and imagine yourself full of anxiety, with all of these emotions and actual voices in your head, and they just get louder and louder. Done? Now imagine a combination of that going on in a crowd of people, where you have to pretend to be fine, because putting this all into words and attempting to justify it someone, is just so much energy you don't have the motivation to build up.
I want everyone to know something; i have an amazing core of friends and family who are extensions of my soul and true being, but more times than none i can’t fathom to vent and explain these emotions because, you have to understand, that most of them are irrational, and trust me, us depression goers, we get that. We get that it's not real and that it will pass, but in that moment you have no idea how authentic they feel.
So yes, i had an episode, i'm better now, but i will have another, and i don’t need anyone to fix me, but somehow writing about it makes it a little less real..